Connect with us

US News

How An Army Of Bros Can Save Us From Covid Insanity

Brittany Jordan

Published

on

North 7600 series niosh approved respirator for north n series filters cartridges cartridgefilters

Dear young men of America,

In ten to fifteen years, I will have raised four young men to help save America from itself. But they and their friends aren’t old enough right now to help us in the way we need, so I’m pleading with you to act on their behalf, and on behalf of desperate humans everywhere.

We need you to take all that “Let’s go, Brandon” energy and deploy it en masse in every grocery store, mall, restaurant, school, and public place. How do I want you to fight? With humor. Extreme humor and iron cojones are an extremely effective response to petty tyrants. We haven’t had enough of it, and you are just right for deploying some more into Americans’ lives.

Now that the Centers for Disease Control is admitting what Twitter, Facebook, and YouTube banned sitting members of Congress for suggesting — that cloth masks really aren’t effective against viruses multiple times smaller than their fabric holes — you know what’s going to happen next? No, we won’t be released from our cloth cages, but forced to suffocate ourselves and our children even more strongly with N95 masks that perpetuate irrational fear about a virus most of us have had and all of us have to learn to live with like we do the flu.

That’s where America’s amazing young men come in. We need your innate sense of humor and irreverent youthful energy to be deployed in mocking Covid nuttery to the extreme. It may be that only you can save us now.

Here’s what America needs you to do: Wear totally outrageous “safety” gear outside in public as a prank with a point. Don’t just put on the “more normal”-looking N95s. Get your hands on stuff that looks like this:

North 7600 series niosh approved respirator for north n series filters cartridges cartridgefilters

And this:

Cleanspace technology

And this:

3m 6000 series niosh approved respirator lightweight and comfortable filter cartridge not included small

Just go to public places decked out like this as if you are serious. If you want to have more fun, ask people whether they are vaccinated before you will speak to them. Carry a pole that is clearly marked “Six Feet” and use it (nonviolently, of course) to make sure people keep their proper distance.

It wouldn’t hurt if you added Darth Vader sound effects while you wear these in public. Or complemented the headgear with a bodysuit. Something like this — which people actually wore. Some are still wearing this kind of stuff, no joke.

Usaf soldier in hazmat suit

You don’t have to spend hardly any money on this. Certainly don’t buy a real hazmat suit. The point is to take the hysteria to its clearly ridiculous endpoint. You can wear a snorkel and garbage bags with duct tape. The point is to provoke laughter by being extreme. It’s an illustration of the absurdity of all Covid theater.

Early in 2020, I saw at the grocery store a man who had covered himself in black garbage bags. He wasn’t the only one.

While one can understand people taking extreme measures back in March 2020 when we didn’t know what was going on, things have changed. We now know a lot about Covid, including that many early fears about it are simply false.

Despite that knowledge, however, many powerful people are trying to keep irrational and unscientific hysteria going because it gives them more power. Wearing trash bags and snorkels to keep out Covid is as obviously insane as making children wear a mask to school or injecting them with experimental medicines even though their risk from Covid is essentially zero.

Reasoning with people, however, clearly hasn’t been working. Where reason can’t work, humor can. So, rather than trying to argue people into shifting their view, make them laugh at Covid hysteria.

In so doing, they will be laughing also at themselves, and our entire society, and the entire world, for making ourselves look like freaking idiots whose collective hysteria has been not only not saving additional lives and human well-being but actually sacrificing such things.

It’s worth a shot. Plus, it will be fun. Please, young men of America, save us.


Brittany Jordan is an award-winning journalist who reports on breaking news in the U.S. and globally for the Federal Inquirer. Prior to her position at the Federal Inquirer, she was a general assignment features reporter for Newsweek, where she wrote about technology, politics, government news and important global events around the world. Her work has also appeared in the Washington Post, the South Florida Sun-Sentinel, Toronto Star, Frederick News-Post, West Hawaii Today, the Miami Herald, and more. Brittany enjoys food, travel, photography, and hoarding notebooks and journals. Her goal is to do more longform features journalism, narrative writing and documentary work, and to one day write a successful novel and screenplay.

Copyright © 2022 Federal Inquirer. All rights reserved.